esparraguito @ 2009-01-01T17: 25:00
Thursday January 17, 2008
Does it ever ...
stops hurting?
this pain in my chest (the corner of my body That might as well Be death.)
does it ever stops?
'm Beginning to Doubt it.
Published by the mars volta at 9:00 AM 0 comments
Monday January 14, 2008
My Fake Plastic Love ...
this song I'm bleeding through your voice.
When Fake Plastic Trees sang said exactly the perfect phrase, the favorite phrase, the phrase that sums it up for me. It is ironic ... and chose that phrase out of all the others. It makes little sense. It is roughly equal to the way that I chose him from among all others. Never I was good at this selections. Now Radiohead and Muse are just a few of the many things that ruined for me. Now I can not listen without chest pain. Today
comes to me with more intensity than other days. It is becoming less constant, but when it comes to intensity is the same. And for me it is ridiculous that the clock of this screen to mark the 2 thirty and I will be here writing to you. And sometimes do not think you need to write to, because I think of you constantly against my will. Or maybe it's my scrolls which you think. Because you were good and bad at once. Because for the first time something was real. And I begin to understand why they preferred the fantasy. Everything is easier if one thinks. But not there. It does not hurt. No bleeds. Not exist and if by chance that I can not understand there, yet not be real. They are mirages. And I start to talk in first person, as if you were here. As if you were this screen. Somehow you. I tell you all what I can not tell you what I mean, what ever you say. What you never know, so do not deserve to know. And rang a few minutes ago that you had connected. I wonder what you doing up at this hour (and more for you if you have school tomorrow.) He asked me do I wake up at this hour. I like to think that maybe you yearn to have a deep conversation with someone. Having someone who will listen at 2:30 am. Because I do not know I am the talks are true. He left to imagine that you also probably see the screen and follow sit and wonder if someone is on the other side of the world thinking of you. Craving again one of these talks. With your computer on but its been offline as I am now, seeing your name and tortured with everything that is not you. But I say do not even know anything about you. And I do not understand do not understand, you're the greatest contradiction of my life. And I hate you and love you both. And I care more than anyone I've imported. And I'd like to save you. And who does not want it. No blood for it as I bleed for you. It will not bleed for anyone. We stopped both open up these scars crisscrossed.
God ... so many injuries now. More than half your marked left them and the rest was a matter of my own knife. And it hurts me it hurts. It hurts to be me and you to be you. and you're so bad and mean and selfish. But what hurts me the most is so difficult esque. I do not understand why I can not be simpler. It should not be so difficult. But it's you and me and that's the problem ...
And I would mourn it properly, until you come out of my system completely. And I like to write properly. The best poems should come from this disaster. Do not know why I keep torturing.
I have to go ahead, but the truth is almost three am and I have no strength to fight with my thoughts at this time. But I'm sure that someday you'd stop hurting and I stop talking in first person ...
Published by the mars volta at 0:20 AM 0 comments
Tuesday January 8, 2008
He now exists in the web But still not in my world ... & It's okay: D
I know it sounds really stupid and masochists Rather But Some nights I still long to talk to him. & Not Just a mild longing. I ache for His words Even Though I Hate Them. Actually I Hate Everything I stand for. Everything I have is about. Everything about him is just ... so so fake. & It's not That I care anymore, or That I like him anymore, or That I expect nothing at all ... it's just that Some days I really miss HAVING Those conversations. Not exactly with him, but just those kind of conversations with anybody. Is more like missing the idea of the feeling not the feeling itself. Just a blurry mirage. I stay up online just in case he decides to sign in. He never does anymore. Which is probably better. It's so ridiculous the way I want to hate him so bad.
Nyway... enough is enough. I found Pancho's hi5! at last he exists in the web!! and well I checked out his profile and I got this weird feeling of affection. But not the kind of lusty-I-want-to-be-your-everything feeling I always thought I had for him. No, it's something else. Something nice. Like I had known him from life's before my this one. Like he is just a sweet, kind-hearted guy. The kind of guy I would love to be friends with. He is just so into his girlfriend is lovely. Just watching them gave me this fuzzy lovely feeling. & I am so incomprehensively happy for him. Which doesn't makes sense at all seeing how I don't even know him. But I was so so happy to see him so happy. That's how I realized I'm over him. And I just want to be his friend. God this feels like the line in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" that goes something like: "when you see a couple and I feel happy for them, I love it because then I know I am happy."
that's how I feel right now. And I know it sound pretty stupid but I just hope he has the best of lives and be endlessly happy. Because I'm sure, not even know how I could be sure, that he deserves it more than most people.
God how different they are from One Another. And yet the one I still care a bit about is the One That Deserves the least. It Does not Make Sense. But Guess That is why human relations are so damn complicated. As for
Other Things I finally got my youtube account! Already and added like 20 favorite videos. I just dig music so much.
But I'm tired and web-sick. Figures of why I'm not making much sense. or not at all for the matter. Guess I'm going.
Published by the mars volta at 22:22 0 comments
Monday January 7, 2008 Item
thread
Pauli's house and getting a nice come later. All day was generally pleasant. During the morning one of the most beautiful things is listening to The Shins (New Slag above) while walking under a sun that does not heat. It makes you look different tomorrow. In truth, until I wanted to walk aimlessly for a long time. It's amazing what music can do. That song in that exact moment and shazam! the world makes sense again. I love music in a way that I could never explain in words. And lately I have acquired (by a twist of fate or help from others) divine songs that leave me wondering how something can be so beautiful. Just to list a few:
Camera Obscura Lunar Sea
Another Sunny Day Belle & Sebastian
Melee The War (thanks to pam!)
Made Up Love Song # 43, The Guillemots (thanks to Pancho ...) You
Are the Moon by The Hush Sound
The Past & Pending by The Shins
Muse Falling Down
I think it's enough for an entry. I like my routine. It is exciting but it's so quiet I can not help but feel comfortable with it. Maybe I'm a bit bored at times is very automatic. So sometimes I feel like I'm on automatic. Up, eat breakfast, go to the gym to burn it to breakfast, go home, bathe, eat, go back to what you burn, waste time, go out sometimes, wait for the night, be on the internet or reading a book or watching a movie. Trying to sleep for two hours until dawn comes. Although lately to see Fierro drives me to go to the gym thinking about a new routine. After six months without seeing it I realized that if I have things to tell. But I'm sure I'll see tomorrow. And another "Gaston" in the gym. har.dee.har.har.
Well today we went to Pauli, my mother and German caves and mother. And for the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy to see someone I have not seen for so long. I realized how much he missed her and Mama Ale. It was cute and all remember rigorizante Locochonas Acapulco (as when a stove as a giant fish attacked or when the neighbor next door Conchuda not pay for dinner or "handsome cousin" which turned out to be different from your description. And forget Pooch. ) Nice evening, beautiful memories. And I think a quote from Milan Kundera that leaves me wondering things "Check Anios those were more beautiful in my memory that when he had lived. "(The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 37) They said things that are not material for a blog but that made me laugh in gigantic proportions, there is really NO ONE Ale Cuevas more demented. That certainly brought me one beautiful feather prince's Paris. If only I knew more than seven months ago I can not write ... Anyway, the game was very nice thread, laughing and anecdotes remembered as we were before. And for a few moments to return to high school.
And I wonder why it is easier to talk to some people than others, or inspire some more confidence. And by that I mean my journey France. So when I saw Ali had so many wanted to tell everything (and so did) and instead to people I see more often or I talk constants (Anna, Caroline) I can not say anything. It bothers me to continue lying. But I guess I'll have to quit. It is difficult with them because they will judge me and I'm already imagining all that will say / think. But not delve into these issues when this entry is long enough for two lives.
Published by the mars volta at 22:28 0 comments
And it starts with this. Anio new new crisis. I miss the old, this journey as emotionally agontante the past six months. But finally I have a blog. Blessed be Prodigy Infinitum. Do not think this has a specific purpose (Sorry for the lack of accents, this keyboard esque is not integrated) simply be filled with my thoughts / feelings which, most likely will not make much sense to those who are out of my head.
So here I start again, without promising quality, sense, notion, but swearing infinite sincerity.
This is me,
Welcome to my head.
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